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12th Jul, 2010

17:45 - Plans & Projects

I always have new year's resolutions in summer. After all, in my experience, that is when the new year really starts.


I want to update girls who eat their feelings regularly, at least two times a week.

I want to get the Amsterdam Writers Group going.

I want to keep the Femine-mail and send it out to more people each month.

I want to spend more time working on translations and short stories.

I want to make more zines, flyers and booklets - something random people can find, hold and take with them.

I want to record my poetry and sell the audio on my website, like songs, with pay pal.


I want to bake my own biscuits in order to eat less crap, leave less waste and support more fair food production.

I want to be more friendly, helpful and open-minded.

I want to do something for community, something voluntary, something happy-hippie.

I want to join the student swimming club.

I want to organize documentary screenings at my house (and serve home made biscuits).

I want to apply for the board of Perdu.

I want to pass this university year with good grades and extra credit, and get into a Masters abroad.

13th Jun, 2010

23:43 - Drawing the Body

I never wanted a tattoo and now I can't wait until I have enough money to afford

this on my back, with Πάντα ῥεῖ above it in my neck,

a blue whale (without the diver) on my underarm,

this on my left foot

and the hand prints (a small copy of them) of my parents on my lower back. But I will make myself wait until at least September - if I still want it then, chances are I always will, and then, if I have the money, I can start with the first.

In the meantime there is moreCollapse )

23rd Feb, 2010

19:16 - Looking at Ourselves

I have started swimming again. It is wonderful being back in the water, mowing my limbs while letting my thoughts wonder wordlessly. But there is something special to this pool, the Sant Jordi Piscina, that makes my daily swim even more worthwhile: the public showers. Inside of the women’s changing rooms, there is a spacious, tiled room, with about ten showerheads attached to every wall. A pretty common service in a swimming pool. Except for this tiny detail: the women of Barcelona shower naked. Together. They walk into the bathroom, strip of their bathing suit and rinse their skin, together.

I have always loved watching other women naked. It is unlike watching naked men, for this pastime has nothing to do with desire. It is a sanctuary experience of bonding with complete strangers; being sisterly with unfamiliar women.
When I was still under obedience of my eating disorder, I used to watch other women obsessively. Upon entering a closed space such as a train compartment or class room, I would count the girls in the room and divide them in two groups; skinnier and fatter than me. A majority of fat girls would leave me at the good end of the scale, allowing me to eat that day. But if the more girls were skinnier, I would live on water and greens. It was a game I willingly lost.

Thus, contrast and compare has been an ongoing habit. The questions at stake were; Can I compete? Am I still in the race? The thing is, comparing myself to a well dressed and fully made up college girl is a battle lost beforehand. There is no way a young girl will be able to regard another girl’s appearance objectively. But bodies, full frontal naked bodies of all ages, blur the checkpoints instantly. Well as I may try, it makes no sense anymore to judge myself against naked women. She may be thinner, but her cellulite is heavier. Her legs are longer, but her breasts are flatter. The outcome is what I have always been told: Everybody has flaws. No possible body measures up to what is portrayed on the internet.

No body is perfect, and so every body is. The well pronounced thighs, the hairy arms – they cannot be flaws, for they belong to the body as much as the freckles, the eyes and the belly button do. Everything I am used to view as imperfections in my own body suddenly appears normal. And it is in that moment that I stop seeing the differences in every woman’s body and start to see the similarities. Every woman, whether she shaves or not, is hairy. Every woman, whether thin or fat or muscular, has hips, has a stomach, has breasts. Every woman has a body.

The problem in this society is that we don’t see bodies anymore. All we know is our naked self, which we look disdainfully upon with our own harsh, intolerant eyes. All we see are pop culture bodies; photo shopped models and porn stars. We are lead to believe that a woman’s body should be hairless, curvy but thin, spotless, white but tanned, toned but soft – the list of requirements is endless. As much as we tell ourselves not to buy it, even if we in fact know it is fake, the reality remains that the fakes are all we see. That our own nakedness is all we know.

Come with me. Undress your friends, go to the sauna, take a public shower at the swimming pool on Calle Paris, Barcelona – do what you can to escape the porn and the Photoshop. Reinvent the bond between women. Look in the mirror and see what there is to see, instead of what others (seem to) want to see. Revive your body, revaluate your body, and fight for your right to have a body.

7th Feb, 2010


I am back to you with a promotion thing: my very own website.

Nikki Dekker

What do you think?

Also, leave a comment if you'd like to be linked in the Contact section.

27th Jan, 2010

18:36 - Feelings have no thoughts

I am quite content with this piece on love I have just written. If you have the time, please read it and let me know what you think; On Being Whole

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