Echte literatuur loopt nooit goed af.

12:05 - Us.

Sometimes you love someone, and it’s right. You tell them, they tell you, you kiss, you are together. Those are some lucky moments. Most of the time though, your feelings turn out to be inconvenient. The one you love is ‘just’ a friend, already taken, or has no interest in you whatsoever. Your feelings are stuck in your stomach, your exclamations don’t leave your head and you fear you’ll burst with the thunderstorms you’re keeping inside.

Then again, most of the time, you are by yourself, single. Your life is good, you love your work and friends and family – but sometimes you feel alone. The thing is, you probably are loved, at a distance, by someone you have no interest in whatsoever or someone you look upon as ‘nothing more’ than a friend.

This is a chain letter of love. It contains my purest and most sincere feelings for a guy who cannot be mine. I am letting the love out, into the world, reminding people everywhere that silently, they are loved. Please help me do it.



By replying to this post with your e-mail address, you will receive one of the love letters in a few days and be part of the first wave of love. I would love it if the first letter could be sent all over the world.

14:31 - To be continued

11:46 - No sé a donde seré

I've been here for 20 days,

( My current home )

almost 3 weeks. It only gets better. I can't read Isabel Allende in Spanish yet, but that's about the only bummer I can think of. I am writing this on the beach, a new beach I have found to the northeast of Barcelona; Nova Mar Bella. It might be a bit cold when clouds come in, but I'm staying here, because I still can. This is a Barcelona beach for Barcelona people, who are asleep or reading on their towels, running along the breakers or training their breast stroke in the motionless water. There is no wind today. Only a few windsurfers and sailboats are to be seen in the distance. When I go into the water and the sun is shining, I can see all kinds of glimmering, shining dots in the depth. Firefish, I call them. There are men fishing on the piers. There is a coast guard, on a high seat, and a tiny beachbar ('chiringuita' - how can you not love this language?) that plays summery music. I found an intense white shell. I am never going to Barceloneta again.

I spent €40 on ( beads ) to make my own bracelet. Every charm has its significance, and I am braiding and knotting the leather cords all by myself. I'll have to try for the third time today, because it hasn't turned out the way I want it to be yet, but that doesn't bother me in the least.

I can't say I've made many friends yet. I am really fond of Viola (a German girl in my Catalan class) and Sara (my new Basque roommate - I'm moving in on the first of October), but apart from them, not many. I am alright with that. To encounter two people you sincerely like in only 3 weeks - that is actually kind of an achievement. Oh, and I am quite interested in my current roommate Lauren. She seems cool, I hope to get to know her better.
So yeah, I mostly spend my nights indoors, writing, dreaming, or watching a film or series, but for the moment, that's alright with me.

I did my ( laundry ) yesterday. First timer. I was scared to hell that the clothes would fall of the line, down 6 floors, into the grey and dirty depth that is our back patio, but they survived the winds. So did I. Now all the house duty I've got left is to clean up my room and prepare some dinner tonight - I can't eat frozen paella for the third night on a row, even if it is actually tasty. (Don't worry about my vitamins. I bought a full bag of fruits at the Fruiteria for €5,50.)

My class on Friday was a bummer. I do not understand a word of what the Catalan teacher says, apart from random names, which is ( all my notes ) are right now: 'Walter Benjamin. Paris. Theatre of variety. Prostitutes.' It seems really interesting, but I wouldn't know how those concepts are linked together. Am probably going to drop that class, which would leave me with the weirdest schedule - but more on that later.

I met up with Sara the other night, it was so much fun. We shopped at FNAC and H&M, ate kebab in Gothico and interpreted the statue on Plaza George Orwell (I thought it was God, looking down on humanity, and humanity was represented as a bit of shit. Like, literal poo. 'Es el dios que mira la gente, y la gente es si mierda') just before we took off into Barceloneta to go to some kind of underground jam session, hosted by a couple who offer their living room for these kind of things. 'This isn't a bar, it's a community.' Anyone who is a member can rent the room for free and organize awesome hippie stuff in there. It is such a great room as well, with a little nook for the performers, well lighted and secluded by these giant curtains, and then the rest of the floor is filled ( with pillows and matresses and tiny tables. )

Also, I started working on a poetry triptych about the sea, in Dutch, English and Spanish. Small preview of the work in progress;

Si l'agua tropeza con sí misma
y monta torres imprudentes por esta
caída, vengo a la orilla.

Only when I slash through
the surface is it complete.
There is no way I can see, no where I can be.

Mi vida va a la deriva.

And ofcourse I still get lonely and depressed, like last night, but that's when I sit down with my notebook and write an assuring letter from the positive, strong side of me to the anxious, sad version of me. And that helps, and gets me going on other things that make me happy, like this Nutellajar of Keri Smith's ( 100 ideas ).

11:10 - O.T.A.

Hij prikte de maan met een vlaggenstok en zei iets
over grote en kleine schreden. Ik wilde dat ik de liefde
kon definiëren als een UFO. Troost te vinden in de
wetenschap dat pijn een emotie is die ik uit kan zetten.

Ongeïdentificeerd Toewijden Aan
een dier, zaak, voorwerp of mens.

Dat er zwarte gaten zijn, dat daar alles in verdwijnt
- oh, ik zou het zo graag meemaken: zo het leven en even
zo snel – fjt – de leegte, een niets in afwezigheid van mij.

Als ze komen met hun beamers en hun chips en ronde ogen,
zal ik ze bij voorbaat geloven. Lijf mij in buitenaards leven
tot hij het lopen verleerd is, alleen nog vergeet en mijn naam
met de beste wil van de wereld niet weet.

12:01 - On Visibility

I try to be honest, open and sincere.
In order to do that, I need to know who I am talking to.
Please introduce yourself before you add me.